I am reading the book, Health Food Junkies by Steven Bratman, MD. In the book, he describes Orthorexia Nervosa, a term he coined. By definition, orthorexia is an obsession. Steve writes in his book, "For many orthorexics, eating food becomes the only way to feel happy." I don't believe that eating brings happiness. I believe it is more like a feeling of being high, as with any addiction And I think the same feeling can occur with the avoidance of food as well as with eating food, as well as when talking about avoidance of food or eating, or for some reading about certain topics. I found that I have that feeling when I am reading about health, or diet related to health or any topic related to my own health issues and food, or nutritional supplements. The feeling is very similar to the feeling I got when I was anorexic and avoided all food. It feels like I am invincible. And very little of anything else matters at those moments.
I could speak about this from a biochemical standpoint. There are certain neurochemicals called neurotransmitters that may be playing a role in how people feel during these times. This is a topic for another day.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
My discovery
I have been obsessed with my weight, my body and/or my health for most of my life. It started early for me. When I was about 8 years old I was in ballet class and looking in the mirror, I realized I was larger than the other girls in my class. This is one of my vivid memories from childhood. I quit ballet because I felt so much shame about my weight. I don't know how overweight I actually was, but my perception was that I was very large compared to the other girls in the class.
All my life, I have been comparing my body to other girls or women's bodies. At some point I stopped eating and started compulsively exercising in an attempt to be thinner. I wasn't conscious of the obsession with my body and weight at the time. I was about 15 years old and there were a lot of changes occurring in my family. My mother got remarried and my father had a new baby daughter with his second wife. His wife was very concerned about how she looked and I remember her often talking about needing to lose weight, especially after her daughter was born. My mother's husband had made some direct comments to me about my need to lose weight.
I had a boyfriend at the time, Brian, and I remember when I first started my "dieting" Brian and I were walking down the street together as we had done often. Brian asked me if I wanted a chocolate. It was a chocolate that we had eaten together often and that I enjoyed. I remember saying 'no' and then he responded with surprise. I remember him asking me why I didn't want it and I don't know what I said. But this was significant because to this day I have trouble eating chocolate for the fear of losing control and gaining weight. I do know now that this fear is irrational and I will eat chocolate occasionally, but only with certain rules. I will only eat chocolate after eating protein, and not just any protein, it needs to be animal protein and only before 4pm and only a small amount. Where did these rules come from you may ask. Well, I can explain each one with good reasoning, although the truth is that they are part of my disease, Orthorexia.
So this brings my to my discovery. I am a naturopathic doctor and I specialize in helping people change their diet and lifestyle to achieve health. And I do a lot of research about health and diet. What I realized tonight is that this is a trigger for me. In any addiction, there are triggers. Triggers can be anything depending on the addiction. But the result of exposure to a trigger is that it throws the person into their addiction. And since my addiction is so closely tied with my work, it is very difficult for me to stay away from it. I am however making a vow right now to do my best to avoid all conversation and all reading about health and diet, except when necessary for a patient or to find a recipe.
I have a chronic illness and I am on a restricted diet to help with my physical health. I have been spending a lot of my time researching how to "cure" my physical illness. Now I see that my obsession with finding that cure has been part of my orthorexia. Many people around me are also on restricted diets and speaking to them about their experiences is also triggering to me. So I will do my best to stay out of these conversations. I will change the subject. The only time I will engage in these conversations is when I am asked a question directly related to health or diet.
I know how difficult this is going to be for me, but I need to do this. I need to get out of my head and into my heart. One of the first things I learned in recovery for my eating disorder (ED) is "it is not about the food". It's is not and I know it. And I am fed up living in this disease. It is a disease in my head, but a disease none the less. And it takes me away from connecting truly with myself, with G-D and with other people.
All my life, I have been comparing my body to other girls or women's bodies. At some point I stopped eating and started compulsively exercising in an attempt to be thinner. I wasn't conscious of the obsession with my body and weight at the time. I was about 15 years old and there were a lot of changes occurring in my family. My mother got remarried and my father had a new baby daughter with his second wife. His wife was very concerned about how she looked and I remember her often talking about needing to lose weight, especially after her daughter was born. My mother's husband had made some direct comments to me about my need to lose weight.
I had a boyfriend at the time, Brian, and I remember when I first started my "dieting" Brian and I were walking down the street together as we had done often. Brian asked me if I wanted a chocolate. It was a chocolate that we had eaten together often and that I enjoyed. I remember saying 'no' and then he responded with surprise. I remember him asking me why I didn't want it and I don't know what I said. But this was significant because to this day I have trouble eating chocolate for the fear of losing control and gaining weight. I do know now that this fear is irrational and I will eat chocolate occasionally, but only with certain rules. I will only eat chocolate after eating protein, and not just any protein, it needs to be animal protein and only before 4pm and only a small amount. Where did these rules come from you may ask. Well, I can explain each one with good reasoning, although the truth is that they are part of my disease, Orthorexia.
So this brings my to my discovery. I am a naturopathic doctor and I specialize in helping people change their diet and lifestyle to achieve health. And I do a lot of research about health and diet. What I realized tonight is that this is a trigger for me. In any addiction, there are triggers. Triggers can be anything depending on the addiction. But the result of exposure to a trigger is that it throws the person into their addiction. And since my addiction is so closely tied with my work, it is very difficult for me to stay away from it. I am however making a vow right now to do my best to avoid all conversation and all reading about health and diet, except when necessary for a patient or to find a recipe.
I have a chronic illness and I am on a restricted diet to help with my physical health. I have been spending a lot of my time researching how to "cure" my physical illness. Now I see that my obsession with finding that cure has been part of my orthorexia. Many people around me are also on restricted diets and speaking to them about their experiences is also triggering to me. So I will do my best to stay out of these conversations. I will change the subject. The only time I will engage in these conversations is when I am asked a question directly related to health or diet.
I know how difficult this is going to be for me, but I need to do this. I need to get out of my head and into my heart. One of the first things I learned in recovery for my eating disorder (ED) is "it is not about the food". It's is not and I know it. And I am fed up living in this disease. It is a disease in my head, but a disease none the less. And it takes me away from connecting truly with myself, with G-D and with other people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)