Protein is one of the things that really controls me. Or rather my beliefs about protein. I don't even know if I would call them beliefs. No, they are not beliefs, they are rules. I have been brainwashed to believe that I need protein and lots of it. I need to eat protein repeatedly throughout the day and as the day progresses, my need for protein is greater.
So, even if I can get away with not eating protein for breakfast or lunch, I definitely need it for dinner and night snack. I believe I will not sleep if I don't eat protein for dinner and night snack and I need to eat a good amount and it needs to be animal protein. So for night snack, right now I need to eat a turkey sausage, Shelton's turkey sausage and I need to eat one and a half of them. Or I am terrified that I may die. This is what the orthorexia tells me. If I don't follow my rule about eating protein, there are very severe consequences.
I can rationalize in my mind that I don't need to eat one and a half sausages, but I get scared. I get really scared. And I know I need to just sit in the fear, but it is really difficult. This afternoon I was headed to ballet class and I was late. I didn't have any animal protein for my afternoon snack and I didn't have any animal protein with me. I was scared that I would get hypoglycemic during ballet class and not have any protein with me. So, even though I was going to be late for ballet class, I drove to the store to buy some protein before class. This disease is affecting my life!
